03 кастрычніка 2006

Depression blogging

It's been a while since I blogged about depression. And there is a reason for that. And the reason is I no longer see myself as depressed.

Yes, I still take pills. Yes, I still get so down sometimes, I think my life is over. The last girl I was in love with once told me, "I think you'd be a dashing old man". And that's how I sometimes see myself: an old man, whose emotions have burnt him down, through all that "chasing women and drinking".

Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his head, was his home.

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left in me. Sometimes I just want to give up, like, really really want to give up. And, as the last girl who was in love with me said, I have given up on almost everything. Well, not so fast.

I've decided, a few months ago, not to see myself as a sick, depressed man, even though it might be an accurate description. It's like in that drawing in which you can see either a young woman or an old woman. There is a lot of pain I have to deal with, but I also have a lot of blessings to count. You really have to count them and know what they are, because they are the points in the spacetime continuum of your life that you can lean on. Those are the only levers you can use to pick yourself up.

It's hard to identify them. It's hard to know what you want. It takes time, commitment, effort - just like about everything that's worth gaining. I still feel very confused. Clarity - that's what I'm after these days. I can't see exactly where I'm going, but I know I want to go there. I don't want to stand still or look back, so help me God - and give us more money.


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